What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday