I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
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Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
And then there were 4
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
thank god
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad