I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
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My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
oh my god
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?