Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
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*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”