A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.