Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Is your wife single?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.