Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal