This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
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My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Not😆🤣
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
can’t wait til they legalize outside