Noah was an idiot.
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children