Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Oops I deleted….
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”