Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
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Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Boy never ceases to amaze me
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
i- i did not expect this
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
let’s discuss
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Trumpy Cat
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.