Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them