Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄