Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.