Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Succinctly put.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.