Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
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Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
<—- homeless romantic
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”