Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.