Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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