My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You Might Also Like
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
when someone rings the doorbell
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Forever 21… pounds overweight