This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.