Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
The answer is funnier than the question
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”