It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
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The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“We will wed,” I threatened
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.