sry
You Might Also Like
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.