Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
You Might Also Like
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more