Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.