So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.