what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Seas the day!!!!
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Unexpected Judgment
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.