Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
You Might Also Like
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
looks legit
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
They’re on their honeymoon
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar