Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.