MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.