Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
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its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
So, can we agree on 4 or
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.