Wednesday
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
the #horror is real!
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football