those birds must be on payroll
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Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Legend 🤣🤣