A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.