My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
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[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm