Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
an airline just for babies.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars