Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
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The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT