Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*