The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I will never stop laughing at this
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting