It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Mad Max: Furry Road
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.