michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
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GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.