My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.