Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
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Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me recordaron éste meme
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.