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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
what’s really going on
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.