[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor