I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
New mindset, who dis?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage