i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
the noise i just made
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Time heals everything 🙂
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes