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“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.