[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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This kid is a star!
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.