This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
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Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
scenes of unspeakable carnage